True but thats because hes a fetus.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
