Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
