Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
