I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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