My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
