I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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