since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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