The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
