Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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