Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
