friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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