I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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