Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
