not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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