Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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