So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
