i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
