I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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