woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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