3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
