Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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