im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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