"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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