You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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