Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
