i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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