Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
