I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
