my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
