She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They have beer where we have blood.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
