I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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