I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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