Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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