The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
