I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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