I've blown a few things in my day
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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