Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
