Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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