Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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