I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
