Ambien. No doubt about it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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