Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
