I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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