I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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