I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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