i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The struggles of a small town man whore
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
