I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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