I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
my liver is dry heaving
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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