1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
