dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
