plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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