Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
