yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
