i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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